Be Careful

Be Careful,

and watch your back, my mother used to say

each time I stepped out the door, left her

for the airport and the long trip back home.

Now, I look over my shoulder, expecting

to find her there, leaning on her purple cane,

oxygen tube trailing as she inches forward.

Out of the 60,000 thoughts I will have today,

let this one live at the forefront of my mind:

Her love will never die. And out of the 600,000

words in English, let mother be the one that

I carry with me through the difficult hours,

like a stone to rub over and over, looking up 

into my rear-view mirror to see who or what

might be following me.

“Be careful” was a refrain I heard over and over from both of my parents growing up. I heard it more often when I went away to college, and stepped into a world neither my mother nor father had ever entered themselves, never straying far from the small Missouri town where I grew up. Because I was a quiet, sensitive child, my family never lost its protectiveness over me, and they always worried that people would take advantage of or harm me. Now that my mother and father are both gone, I feel what others have described to me as a kind of “double-loss,” the letting go of my parents’ physical selves as well as the sense of protection their presence brought to my life, even when separated by many miles. One of the hardest parts of grieving the recent loss of my mother has been coming to terms with the fact that I will never hear her voice again, will never hear her utter those phrases that once made me roll my eyes and smile. Ironically enough, I now find myself looking over my shoulder more than ever—not so much out of fear, but out of some deep conviction that my lost ones are still somehow nearby, perhaps watching my back for me.

Invitation for Writing & Reflection: What are some of the phrases from childhood that have followed you all these years later, things that your loved ones used to say, which still float into your mind from time to time? How do you feel the ones you have lost nearby, and what are some of the ways you have found to keep them alive in daily life?